Everyone says that they didn't know love until they had a child. They never loved anything the way they love their baby. They LOVE their bump and the lil peanut inside.
Well, as usual, my messed up self didn't feel that way. I didn't feel "connected" to the moving alien in my belly. I didn't feel like it was my "son". It was just a new thing. A thing. I know, terrible, right? I felt bad about it. I got nervous that I didn't love my baby. What if I didn't feel that way about my baby. It was so weird because I have always been around and worked with kids. I've always connected with them and loved them. I even shed a few tears when I saw a student for their last lesson. So I'm not heartless!
I thought , when I know if it is a he or she then I'll be able to connect. Well, that day came and went. Then I thought when I can see him on the ultrasound and he looks like a baby, then I'll start getting feelings....nope. I thought it was cool and started to get more excited but still didn't feel love. I thought for sure when he's born, I'd have to be cold blooded not to fall in love with my baby once I go through labor and I can hold him in my arms for the first time............
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I know. I know. I shouldn't admit this and I hope my son never reads this ever but I didn't feel the way everyone said they did or the way I "should". I felt horrible about it. The first time I held him I think I was in shock. Then I was just looking at him cuz I'd never seen a fresh newborn baby before. Then I was just studying him to see that he had all his parts and how he moved. He was so interesting. I didn't feel like a mom, just that there was this new baby. When it was all said and done and I was alone holding him I just looked at him. I looked at him for as long as I could for days. I still just like to watch him. Everything he does is interesting and new for me. That's how I feel that I learn about him and connect with him. Now, I know him so well. I know what his moments mean, I know how he feels and what he wants before anyone else because I know him so well. That makes me feel great. That makes me feel like his mom. Changing diapers, breastfeeding and taking care of him didn't make me feel like a mom. I've done all those things for other kids all my life (not breastfeeding lol). I couldn't tell anyone that I didn't feel this amazing, one of a kind love for this baby that I should feel. For weeks I stressed about it and tried and wondered about it.
As time went on I did grow attached to his cute chubby butt. I noticed it most when other people held him or the first time I left him. I missed him. I wondered how he was doing. I couldn't wait to get back and hold him. I didn't stress the way I heard other moms explain it. I didn't cry. I enjoyed my time out (and my glass of wine). I felt a little guilty for having such a good time and almost forgetting for a while that I was a mom. I was just me.
Then I stopped and really thought about it. Here's what I figure:
1. I'm not a terribly emotional person.
2. I shouldn't ever feel bad about how I feel. It's just how I feel and I have the right to feel how ever I want.
3. I am a good mom. My baby is happy and healthy and I don't have anything to feel bad about .
4. Everyone handles situations differently. I won't feel the same way everyone else does and that doesn't mean I'm wrong.
5. MOST IMPORTANT I do love my son. More and more everyday. But I didn't feel this new overwhelming sense of love for him because I already know that type of love. It's not new to me. My mom loves me with that same love. Most important my God loves me with that type of love and I have always lived in that. I could always turn to it when I felt down and bathe in it when I was happy. Because I know that love towards me, it's the same love I give out. I love unconditionally, with all my heart, it's the only way I know. 1 Corinthians 13 is where I learned to love. That explains what love is and what it looks and feels like. I do my best to always love like that. So, no I didn't feel a new kind of love. I honestly didn't feel love towards Nico at all for a week or two. I had to come to my senses and accept that this baby is mine and I'm a mom. I still sometimes don't feel like a mom. Mostly because when I think of a mom, they're all old. My friends have kids but they're my "friends', they're not "moms". Lol
I know everyone who reads this is going to think I'm a terrible person but I really think women need to know that it's ok to feel how you feel. Feeling bad about how you react isn't going to help anyone. Stressing about it will hurt you and your family. Use your support people that I've mentioned before and talk with them. Or me, clearly, you can tell me anything and I'll understand or at least listen. Lol
Anyway, just so we are all clear, lets recap: it was hard for me to connect with the baby while I was pregnant and even after he was born but now I love my little pumpkin and I understand that I will continue to grow this love I have for him and it will be special and different and I'm excited about it ..ok?....ok
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